Smiling Despair

"Smiling despair. No solution, but constantly exercising an authority over myself that I know is useless. The essential thing is not to lose oneself, and not to lose that part of oneself that lies sleeping in the world.” 

― Albert Camus, Notebooks: 1935 - 1941, p. 25

Smiling despair is something we've all felt but that is difficult to describe with brevity in any detail. As I've been making a lot of changes in my life over the past year, many changes initiated by me for the good, but many out of my control for the worse, it's always hard to know what to say when people ask, "how are you?" Smiling despair tends to be my common response. No one wants to hear of your trials, and we've all had a time when that question gets answered in far too much detail for our comfort. Smiling despair is the answer. It's also apparently a custom DJ mix which only caused despair here, and one Instagram account. Although depending on who you ask (Guardian, Time, CNBC to name a few), there's probably a lot of smiling despair on Instagram.

I chose this quote primarily for the second part, and its relevance to the new year. A lot of people still insist on making resolutions (could definitely insert more Calvin and Hobbes here) and to be successful at that one has to exercise authority over the self. In most cases resolutions fizzle out after a brief time, and lives return to smiling despair homeostasis and status quo. How much is it necessary to make resolutions? Are resolutions the same as goals? I think goals tend to have a distinct end in mind, whereas resolutions are supposed to be a permanent change in behavior. There is a lot of content out there on how to change habits. I've read some of these, and there is good practical advice if you need it, and interesting research being on cognitive behavioral therapy.

In the long run, if none of it matters and it's absurd to try and ascribe meaning to life and certain goals or resolutions meant to give it some, then why do it? Does that mean one shouldn't work on self improvement? Camus seems to think that its ok to improve, the daily grind is nothing if not all of our own Sisyphean curse, but like in the moment of reflection that Sisyphus has at the foot of the mountain, here he finds the essential part of the process to be not losing oneself. Taking the time to ensure the changes to your grind really are essential to you, and recognizing their futility to change or enhance meaning is important for the Absurd. But go ahead and do them. I've known people that can't live with the inherent paradox of living an Absurd life, and find it crippling, but acceptance of it and some self reflection helps. Also, don't forget to have a healthy does of scorn for the newcomers crowding the gym, and those making tortuous useless decisions while living truly unexamined lives.

I'm not totally sure what he means here by the part that lies sleeping in the world, but I have some ideas about this that I'm working on and will examine later. Open to suggestions. 

Source: Albert Camus: Notebooks: 1935-1941